Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf