You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I needed a laugh this morning.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
So we got a goldfish…
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.