You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
What even happened today?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
