Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work