You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive