You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”