Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

This was my dad’s browser history.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Make new friends? bro out of what?