Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.