Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship