You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Alexa turn off the planet
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
you know what ruined my childhood? children
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Does it…does it take 3 days
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?