You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare