You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
we’re dead?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days