You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either