Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?