Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no try. There is only give up.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.