Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.