Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared