Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.