you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
good morning
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!