you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
not for long
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?