Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Another day, another…goddammit

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.