You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Come back with a warrant
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.