Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

😭😭😭

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

Most fashion shows these days…

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Sorry not sorry.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.