You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Still my favourite meme.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row