you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Yup!
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working