Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Meme Monday.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir