you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The struggle is real
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal