you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.