you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways