You should be able to google why a couple broke up
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.