You should be able to google why a couple broke up
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?