Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.