You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know