Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream job is getting paid to dream

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

The three genders

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack