You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.