you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
not for long
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that