you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!