you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
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Heroic Misunderstanding
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.