You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me