@chrisdowning

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@Mindless4Miles

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@cwhudson

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

@El_nacho_Nigre

So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.