Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

My diet starts in January

of 2027

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid