you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
no regrets
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.