you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Traveler’s camo
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”