You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You Might Also Like
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.