You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
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my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.