Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Netflix and awkward silence?

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

time machine? you mean a clock?

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.