You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.