you should be ashamed of yourself, is this how you want that email to find you ?
You Might Also Like
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips