you should be ashamed of yourself, is this how you want that email to find you ?
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones