“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean