Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

just pretend nothing happened

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ