“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
You Might Also Like
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Respect
