I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
You Might Also Like
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
😲 WTF? 😆
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.