You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Coffee for people with no kids
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.