You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?


[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”


Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.


I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.


Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”


WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle


Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.


[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*


He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.