You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
New Tinder profile.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.