You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.