You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Succinctly put.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave