You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
How I’d get arrested…
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
yeah 😭
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
