“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The old gods are rising again.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done