“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
wait a minute….
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
New skill unlocked
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you