“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.