“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.