AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.
CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.
Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.