“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.


If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.


In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.


I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.


I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…


Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.


The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.


If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.


me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise


wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying