If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying