“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
What flavor cupcake are these
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!