“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves![]()
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My Guy
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want