Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

you could not pay me to delete this app

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.