Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

philosophical skeletons be like

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please