You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.