you should fight them
– me as a therapist
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Optional boss fight.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.