you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
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*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I need to get some bricks…
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
emergency phone
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.