You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.