Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet