You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!